A Letter to a Monster

While packing up my apartment to move back home for the summer, I came across a letter that I wrote, addressed to my eating disorder, early on in treatment (the idea behind the letter being a therapeutic activity to separate yourself from the disorder). It's almost scary to see how far I've come, and definitely scary to relive how I was feeling. With the body image trouble that I've been having lately (which leads to "temptation" to relapse, even though the correct world would be "trigger"), I don't think that I could have found a more effective tool to keep myself in check.

Dear Eating Disorder,

I feel like I am in an abusive relationship with you. I love you, but I hate you. You make me feel great and like shit. You help me but hurt me.  All at the same time. And I want to leave you, but at the same time I fear what life will be like without you. But god do I hate you. I hate how you make me feel worthless, ,shameful, like I don't deserve the good in life if I'm not starving, not empty; if my weight isn't trickling down. I hate that when I feel healthy, I feel like I am doing something wrong, like I'm fat. I hate how I can't enjoy family functions and being with friends because that all revolves around food, and food is when your grip is the tightest, isn't it? I'm so fucking sick of shoving my fingers down my throat, trying to please you time after time after time. When will it be enough? Will it ever be enough? I don't think there is an end other than my own death if I stay with you. I want a normal life, and a normal relationship with food. I want to hide. I want to disappear. But most of all, I want to leave you. I want to leave you so far back in the dust that you don't know what hit you. I want to make you feel the way you've made me feel. I want to isolate you, and destroy every relationship you have the same way you did to me. I want to make you hurt because you hurt me.

My bags are packed. I've been toying with the idea of leaving you for quite some time. And it's scary as fuck, but I think staying with you is the real monster. The world can't be worse than living with you and your iron grip, your rules and regulations. I might come back every once in a while, but just know that I won't actually want you, and that I don't ever plan on staying for long. Because I deserve better. Even if I don't believe it today, and even though you can tell me that I don't, I DO deserve a life without you. And fuck you. It's about time that I claim it.