This is dangerous territory. I tend to do the exact thing. It's almost as if there is an on/off switch in my head, and the minute I start to want to impress someone, the "need" to be small, breakable, becomes obvious. I usually don't engage in symptoms, but the desire sits heavy on my heart and weighs down my bones. And I know this is ridiculous, because if my size actually mattered to someone, that person probably wouldn't be that great to be around to begin with. It's almost like I can't allow myself to enjoy being with someone, like I don't deserve it, that I'm unworthy of it, and I punish myself by restricting or shoving my fingers down my throat. And that's no way to live.

I'd like to be able to not only wrap my head around, but actually, truly believe, that being able to make myself disappear doesn't make it any easier to love me.