Fake It

Until you make it. I am pretty sure this phrase has saved my life. It worked when I initially started to refeed and was expected to eat quantities of food far larger than what I was comfortable with. It works when I feel ugly and put a little bit of effort into my appearance. And it's worked for just about every social situation that I've encountered since this semester started. Eating ice cream and letting go of all control that I have over food and taking meals with people instead of by myself and drinking alcohol and letting people touch me. These are a few of the scariest things. And while I'm hyper aware of my surroundings and what people might be thinking about me the entire time, I'm still doing them and pretending that they don't actually bother me. That I'm normal. And each time that I do these things and pretend that I'm not freaking out, I freak out a little less. I'm about 86% I've managed to fool both those around me and myself that I am normal.

I feel like this is proof of me successfully fooling myself. I may not look super fit or super fantastic, but I feel like this is one of those pictures that shows a healthy soul. If there's even such a thing. If there was ever a story about someone that faked happiness until they she actually got there, this girl would be the lead role. #quedicha