One Day More

Once again, I'm starting off with an apology about my lack of updates. I don't really have an excuse; I've just been an emotional wreck, and writing about that has been the last thing that I've wanted to do.

Truth be told, I've really, really, been struggling. There's the obvious struggle with restriction, which I've been less than successful in fighting. There's the ever-so-present body-image struggle. All the nasty, depression thoughts. Check. Loneliness, even though I do it to myself. And then there's something that I was not anticipating at all: my classes.

Ever since I can ever remember, I have never, ever, struggled in school. I've always been at the top of my class, on top of my studies, and pretty friggin' successful with little to no effort. Thus, this semester is turning out to be a rude awakening. I'm taking a semester that is conducted solely in Spanish. I love the idea of it, and I know that in order to improve my Spanish, I do indeed have to immerse myself into the language. However, my level of Spanish in comparison to some of the other students in the program has really gotten me down. I'm not the worst, but I'm no where near being above average. And it just really makes me feel stupid. I understand what the professors say, but that's not enough for me to feel content. I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to other students, and that I should just focus on improving myself, but sometimes that feels impossible.

In short, this semester has successfully made me feel worthless. (The logical part of me knows that this is untrue, but it's kind of hard to get over that feeling and act like nothing is wrong.) So, I've kept quite and kept to myself, both in class and outside of class, out of fear that this "unworthiness" will spread and that people will be able to sense it. Which, now that I think about it, has probably manifested in everything else that I'm struggling with.

However, I have hopes that today will be different. I have the whole day to myself, which means I can get in a long run. If I finish in time, I might go to a French Conversation meet-up (where I know that I'm not horrible). And tomorrow I'm meeting up with some runners in Philly for a social run. All of which is exciting and scary. But I want it. Because I got a taste of some of my old habits this week, and I don't want to go back.

I thought I would share what I've been using to try to turn myself around. They're both rather cheesy, and you have to promise not to laugh, but they worked. And maybe, when I'm having a rough time again, I can come back and look at them again.

The first is a letter that I found online. It's a letter written by a mother to her daughters eating disorder. It made me think about what I was doing. Then it made me cry. Here is the link.

The second thing is just silly, but I love it. I recently saw the play Les Misérables with my mother. Fell in love with it. And proceeded to stalk the crap out of different versions online. Then I found this one. And it's just so overwhelmingly wonderful that it's impossible to not smile. (Click here; it starts at 1:45)

I realize that this post has been a novella, but I feel much better now that I've gotten it out. Maybe I'll remember that next time I'm feeling so crummy.