So my longstanding commitment has waned a bit. A lot. Enough that it's time for me to stop hiding and creep out of my shell again. You're probably wondering exactly what I've been hiding from, and the answer is really quite simple: my own weight gain.
I'm at what I believe to be a crucial part in my recovery. I'm at a normal, healthy weight. My BMI is smack dab in the middle of the "healthy" range; I no longer look sick or starved. And while I know that this is something that I should be celebrating, I've actually been doing the opposite. To my disordered mind, my healthy body is a weak body, a body to be ashamed of. What other people see as a healthy looking woman, I see as a failure. And while I'm able to acknowledge that these thoughts aren't correct or even logical, the thoughts still run through my mind non-stop.
So, I've been hiding. Hiding from people. Hiding from a fear of judgements people may bestow upon me about my change in weight. Hiding from putting on clothes that may or may not fit differently, tighter. Essentially, I've been hiding from myself. And I can honestly say that it's been a daily struggle with less than successful results.
And this angers me, because I feel like I've already struggled enough, with the loss of weight, admitting that I have a problem, re-feeding, and then gaining weight. I've done the brunt of the work and changed my behaviors. It just sucks that the thoughts and reasoning weren't eliminated with those behaviors. It's frustrating to feel like you're back at square one, that everything you did to lose weight was in vain. It's frustrating to be so convinced that recovery is something you want and strive for, only to reach a healthy weight and change your mind. That all the effort I put into my recovery feels like a waste. It's frustrating to be tempted to relapse, even after I know how miserable I was at my worst. Or that my distorted mind glorifies this sickness. It's been unbearably frustrating, so I've been hiding. And the hiding hasn't helped, so I'm going to try doing something else, starting with this post.
Hopefully the new semester will bring about some progress. Because I'm quite sick of being in this state of limbo.
Dude, I'm just now reading your last post. I would have gotten you a new coat, duh! If you need a tiny bit of $$$ to cover that hot booty, let me know. I'm proud of you for doing the activities to make you healthy and I know the mind thing will come. You have to be very patient with yourself. Its like becoming a pro at distracting your own mind. Oooooh, that is so tough! Keep on chugging along, one baby step at a time!
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