Just a Quick Update

I haven't posted in a few days, which is a little upsetting because I really enjoy writing. But I've been really trying to keep my eating disorder in check, so that's been my first priority over working through the whole self love thing.

And I'm proud of myself. Definitely mad at myself at the same time, but I'm proud that I went through this week without any slip-ups. I went clothes shopping, which was a stress. I've been intuitively eating, which is good, but also a stress because there's the whole fear that goes alone with not knowing exactly what I am consuming. My butt is officially filled out enough that my coat has to stretch over it; I'm not even going to TALK about that one. And, the big kahuna of issues is that my mom is super stressed about our upcoming trip to see family. I'm the only one here, so I'm usually on the receiving end of her own stress levels. It's all fine and whatnot, but it's really hard to eat when she is flipping out. I lose all sense of appetite and hunger when she gets like that, which makes a very easy breeding ground for restriction. The only thing that got me through this past week was knowing that I needed to feed myself if I wanted to go on a long run.

It just kind of sucks because when I confront her, I feel like she doesn't listen. Or she gets really defensive. And the only thing that gets done is me getting what's bothering me off my chest. Nothing changes. I feel bad about essentially throwing her under the bus, but at the same time, it's bothering me. Why can't I feel upset about her? I've convinced myself for so long that I have no right to be upset because of everything she does for me, but where is the line? Why am I not allowed to feel negatively about ONE thing my mom does?

But that's where I've been. Stewing in my own juices. Chugging through the days one meal at a time. My saving grace has been my ability to go on long runs, and my fabulous sister who always understands me. I'm going to be staying with her for almost all of this upcoming week, and I honestly cannot wait. Hopefully, we'll all be a little less stressed out after the holidays.