A Misconception

I think today I want to talk about a common misconception about eating disorders. I've been home for a few days, which means I've had far more intimate, human interaction than what is comfortable for me. Now that my eating disorder is out in the open, things can get a little...awkward, for lack of a better word. It's not by any means my family's fault, but it still makes things a little more difficult for me when there's a lack of understanding.

Right. So, first thing I'm going to go over is the body and how that works with eating disorders, mine in particular. I think one of the most common misconceptions is that eating disorders are developed and used as a means to become thin. Obviously, there's a grain of truth in that, as we do engage in symptoms that ultimately result in weight loss. However, that's not the overarching issue. That winning title goes to another special gem: a fear of becoming fat. Case in point: I am able to function today, even though I know that I have gained a significant amount of weight in a short period of time, because I know that I'm not fat. I do not see myself as thin by any means. If anything, I'm average, and, when I'm really in my eating disorder, I'm chubby. But I'm not textbook fat, whatever that means. I may feel like it and see it in the mirror and be able to grab it, but I am not obese by medical standards. I'm able to live and function with the fact that I am no longer underweight. However, I am petrified at the thought of gaining weight. It's a fear that is so crippling that it makes day to day actions (ie: eating) seem downright evil. Because for one reason or another,in my mind, being fat translates to a loss of control.

Obviously, there is absolutely no logic in this thought. And secondly, what is it about being fat that is so inherently bad? Why does being fat mean that you are any less of a person? It doesn't. Why do our bodies dictate the worth of our thoughts and feelings, or in other words, who we actually are? It makes absolutely no sense. And I realize this, and have never applied these thoughts to people who are overweight. I'm just unable to give myself that same gift. In my disordered mind, I become a less worthy person the fatter I get. Because, as stated before, when I'm fat, it means that I have lost control.

So, how does this apply to my family? The body comments. I know they, along with every other person that wants to help, want me to feel good. Add that to the misconception that people with eating disorders just want to be thin, and you have a winning, very uncomfortable situation. I don't care how many ways you say it to me, I will never believe you when you say that I am thin. I'm not striving for attention or compliments; I genuinely do not believe that I am thin. I'm learning to live with it, but the constant body comments make that hard, because then I beat myself up over not being thin. Moral of the story is that what you think is kind and helpful might actually be hurtful for me a this point in my recovery.